Monday, March 16

Elders of Zion Call it Quits, Cite Madoff, Shuffleboard

"The Elders of Zion, the venerable and shadowy Jewish organization that controls the international banking industry, news media and Hollywood, has announced that it is disbanding so that members can retire to Florida and live out their golden years on the golf course.

“We had a good run,” said one senior Elder, reminiscing over old photographs of world leaders in his musty, wood-paneled office at an undisclosed location. “Maybe we ran the world for just a little too long. Anyway, now it’s Obama’s problem.”

After a humiliating year left most of its financial holdings, as well as the entire civilized world, on the verge of collapse, the organization has re-defined its mission in terms of bridge games and making it to restaurants for the Early Bird Special.

The Wild Bunch: The Elders of Zion, pictured here in younger, more rambunctious days, are hanging up their fezzes and heading south. Noted Morris (third from left), ‘The only thing I’m looking to dominate now is a PiƱa Colada.’

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